


Just Want to Feel Something

by littlestbandmerchshop



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types
Genre: Crying, M/M, Masturbation, Other, mentions of self harm, please please do not read if you are easily triggered, sad kylo, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-13
Updated: 2016-05-13
Packaged: 2018-06-08 05:20:43
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,013
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6840559
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/littlestbandmerchshop/pseuds/littlestbandmerchshop
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kylo gets a day off in who knows how long.<br/>He decides to do something creative with his time. He's reminded of his past.</p>
<p>**trigger warning**</p>
<p>self harm, self-hatred, abandonment issues</p>
<p>**please don't read if easily triggered**</p>
            </blockquote>





	Just Want to Feel Something

**Author's Note:**

> Again, this has major triggers in it. It triggered me while I was writing it.
> 
> Please, please!! Do not read this if you are triggered easily!! 
> 
> If not, please enjoy!

General Hux had been getting on Kylo's nerves. Stepping on every single one of them, and tearing each one to pieces. And he was doing it on purpose.

Kylo hated the General. He hated that Snoke forced them to work together. He hated that he had no alone time other than for sleeping.

He just wanted an hour alone. Is that too much to ask?

 

For some reason, one day the General was sick, and, usually, when Hux is sick, Phasma can take over most of his duties, but today, she just couldn't.

So, Kylo had the day off, after he finished important meetings, and the things he could do without the General around.

After a few hours of walking from meeting to meeting, working on plans, and stuff, Kylo finally was able to head back to his quarters.

He opened his door with the seven-digit code only one other person on base knew. _Hux_. For professional reasons.

The doors wooshed open, he stepped through. He closed them again on the keypad inside, and locked it with another code only he knew.

He sighed, finally alone after months of not getting any peace or quiet.

He slid off the articles of his uniform. The long overcoat, with his belt, his shirt underneath, the tank top he had on, his socks, his gloves.

He forgot he was wearing his mask, just because he's become so accustomed to wearing it everywhere. He slid it off, and took a deep, long breath.

He loved being alone. He laid down on his bed, his black sheets were silky, and his pillows were fluffy. He thought for a minute he might fall asleep.

He spread his legs and relaxed. He hasn't relaxed in years, since he joined General Hux.

_Stop thinking about Hux_ , he thought to himself.

His hands were twitching a little bit. He was a little nervous, it had been awhile.

He thought about sex. Just sex in general. He forgot how to have kinks and crushes once he joined the Dark Side.

His hands slid up and down his torso. He teased his own nipples for a minute, feeling himself getting excited. He ran one hand down to pinch his thick thigh, he had always loved that, while the other hand stayed teasing his nipple.

He left red marks and scratches on his thigh. He forgot how much he loved this. He moved his other hand down to play with his other thigh. He scratched and pinched and rubbed and slapped them both.

 

Kylo used to self harm, once he realized he hated himself, and he wanted to die... It wasn't something he was proud of, but it was part of him.

He stopped doing that a few years ago, ever since he's had no time to. Sad, but true.

He wasn't trying to harm himself by scratching and slapping his thighs, it was just one of the things that got him going, but he was reminded of the nights he would hear his mother crying because his father was off doing who-knows-what while who-knows-where. He was reminded of the nights he took hour long showers just to muffle the noise. The nights he would sneak his mother's razor and just slice away at his wrists and thighs.

He let a tear fall at the thought. But, he wasn't going to let his father ruin _this_ too.

He slid his black boxers down, and took his shaft in his hand, fully hard now, after all the teasing. He slid his long fingers up and down while pinching on the under side of his left thigh with his other hand. He moaned, deep.

He teased the head of his own dick. He pumped, faster and faster, chasing his release. He just wanted to _feel_ something again. Tears were rolling down his long cheeks now. He was crying, noiselessly.

He slapped himself in the side, on the chest, in the face. He was doing it again. But, he swore he would never cut again. Not now, not after all the progress he has made. So he bit down on three of his fingers, to stop himself.

He pumped faster. Faster. Faster. He was so close. He let out a loud cry as he came, spilling on his boxers, halfway down his legs, and some landing on his thighs, and stomach.

He wondered if anyone could love him after he couldn't even love himself. He stared down at his own thighs, his own stomach, his own wrists, and saw lines half a shade darker than his pale skin color. Each one, a reminder of how much of a failure he is.

He sobbed again. Into his pillow, he let out long wails and screams as he couldn't let anyone hear his despair.

He hated himself, probably even more than he hated General Hux.

Okay, he didn't hate Hux, he just wanted Hux to like him. He hated that Hux didn't want to be Kylo's friend.

When they first met, Kylo stretched out his hand to shake, smiling awkwardly as Snoke introduced them. Hux noticed thin, long lines on Kylo's wrist. Hux didn't want to shake Kylo's hand.

He wanted to hug Kylo. He wanted Kylo to tell him why he hurt himself, but instead of telling him he, too had done bad things to himself, all he did was huff at him and asked Snoke, "Why in the galaxy would you give me _him_ , to work with?" He mouthed off at Snoke. "He is powerful in the Force." Snoke replied.

They had a long dispute, that Kylo long forgotten. Kylo only remembers not getting a handshake, staring at his own wrists, and thinking to himself, _why does this make people hate me?_

He still thinks about that night, his first night on base. That was the last night he ever cut into himself. And he swore never to do it again, and he hasn't.

He was feeling weak today. But, he didn't do it.

He didn't relapse. Because he swore, on Hux's life, to never do it again.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you guys liked this!! I'm sorry if it made you sad. This is canon for Kylo Ren that I think is accurate... Considering he killed his dad and all..


End file.
